41 years old, 41 years gone

Hard to imagine him 82. My Dad forever 41.

The day was a usual Friday for me today. Busy day at work, after an unexpected 4 day work week.

I had Wednesday off and puttered around the house in the morning and picked Mom up by 11:30. She and I rode to Columbia Mall. I had gifts to exchange there and she patiently waited in the car reading, her knee was bothering her and she did not want to walk a lot. I found an Aveda store and picked up a few things for me and a treat for Tim for Valentine's day. I exchanged my gifts and we rode home. A lovely day with Mom.

Then Friday the 10th came. It seems to always sneak up on me. I remember the day well. It was a warm sunny afternoon and Dad was waiting for me to get home from school. It was Valentine's week and I was excited making my Valentine box. He was in the bed in the downstairs bedroom, he could not go up a flight of steps anymore, he got to winded. He kissed me and told me he loved me, the rest is a bit of a blur. I know Mom had our rocks out that we had finished tumbling from a Christmas present. Kate came over with a catalog for the summer classes at the University of Maryland. Dad was always bettering himself. The ambulance was in the driveway. Dad was so quiet, I remember him there on the stretcher in the living room, he seemed so still. Then he was in the ambulance.... Mom drove away following the ambulance. Kate and I did the laundry from his bed. He never came home that time. The funeral is a blur except for all my camp fire girl troop there in their uniforms and Ken Crowley. He had just played the scare crow in an Einstein Theater production of the Wizard of Oz and I was so impressed with him. I made a pipe cleaner pink heart to put in his coat pocket in the casket with him. Mom had a hard time deciding about weather to keep his wedding ring or not. She did and I am eternally grateful.

I really have no recollections about life from then until well into Junior High school.

My heart was broken, I was lost and lonely. Thank heaven for Mom, she for me and me for her. We became inseparable. I was the first latch key kid in my world. Everyone else had a Mom at home. I did not, she was at work. We did fine, my Mom and I.

And now, 41 years later, I am blessed to still have my Mom, to spend an unexpected day off with. To giggle with, spend time with and do the things together that we have always loved to do.

I miss you do much Dad. As usual, I'd love to sit and have a meal with you. I know you are with me often... I've sent many people to see you. Most recently Tim's Mom, Aunt Lois, Darlene, Mike, even Emily Blanche!

I have my Tim who is a constant companion and comfort to me. Thank you for sending him my way.

I love you Dad.
I love you too Momma.

My Dad

Today is his birthday. He was born August 13, 1929

He would have been 82! He now lived only half a life time, to die at 41 is a bummer!

Eighty-two, I cannot imagine him an old man. I guess that is the only good thing in dying young. He left this earth at 41. Forty one years is hardly any time at all to live. But in his 41 years he did so much, and made our family very happy and lucky.

I am honored that my brother took it upon himself to have 3 sons, and those 3 sons in turn now have 12 sons between them to carry on the Kestner name. Also my sister Holly has a son with the Kestner name and he has a son with the Kestner name. I hope each of those 13 young men turn out to be as good a man as their fathers, my brother and my dad. The world will be a better place all around with all those Kestner men in it! Two of the 13 Great Grandsons have the same middle name as my father. An honor I hope they grow to understand one day.

I have been going through slides lately. I found the ones below of my dear friend Tracy, me and Dad. I did not even remember the slide, much less the event. I know Dad came home from his 6 month civilian tour in Viet Nam with a new 35mm camera with a timer in it and he was so tickled to be able to get in the photo. This was very new in 1970 and he loved electronics. He may have been playing with it in anticipation of some family photos we took in the fall of 1970. I am sure he wanted Tracy and I to be his "models". I wonder if he missed getting in the first one, or if it was a "scout" shot to be sure the camera was working. So here we are. I think this was about August 70 (that is what the edge of the slide said). That would make Tracy 10, me 9 and Dad 40. He would not live to see another summer.






Dad would be so into all the electronics, computers, cameras, and cell phones. Even in 1971 he was excited about this new "fangled" thing that one day everyone would own.....a computer. At the time they took up entire rooms. But he was excited about them and knew they were going to happen. He would have so much fun with a digital camera and it's instant gratification it offers. We are so spoiled today to be able to instantly see the image we have captured digitally and not have to wait for processing and development.

As always I'd just like to have lunch with him, or be able to ask his opinion on something. For now I can only dream about him and hope he is having a good visit with Mike.

Happy Birthday Dad. I still miss you tons.
Forever your poochy pants

My Dad

Today he would be 81! How can that be? I hardly remember him at 41, much less a retired man at 81. I hope he and Mom would have traveled this great big country of ours in their RV, and been to see all the grandchildren and children all over the country and been to all the state parks and driven to Alaska, and done England and been on cruises and danced and laughed together all these long lost years.

I wonder how his looks would have changed over the last 4o years. It is hard for me to imagine that, as I have such a hard time even picturing him in my mind. The photo below is of him coming out the door of a house before I was even born. It is dated February 1958. It must be the house on Lexington Street in Virginia. In has a hat he looks so handsome. He has a pipe and is dressed up. I think he liked to step out looking dapper. He looks so handsome and put together to me in this photo. This sits on the dresser in the guest room. I think I'll leave it in here in the office with me so I can say hello to him every day.






I wonder what he would think of this country and all that has happened in the last 40 years. I wonder if he had anything to do with the little souls sent this way to our family. Mostly Mike's children's children. But many others as well.

I know he would still have the bluest eyes like a beautiful blue sky day at the lake. He would still love babies, baby anything, even an earth worm according to Mom! He would be so glad to meet all the new additions to our family, no matter what branch they are on. I know he would still love and adore my Mom and all of her children. I know he would be proud of me and what I have become in my 49 years. I know he would be happy for Holly to be able to help raise the next generation of a Will Knight Kestner. I know he would be proud that both Kate and I are physician assistants and love our work. I know he would be proud of Kate and her daughter, and her ability to let us all still enjoy the lake as a family. I know he would be honored to have so many fine young grandsons to carry on the Kestner name.

I know he would be a computer whiz kid! He was impressed with computers in 1971. He would have had all the computers between now and then.

Below is one of my next favorite photos. This is Dad and his siblings in 1957. Dad is the blond in the front row. Alvin Knight, Dale Elwood, William David, Lois Elaine, And Uncle Wayne. They are all gone now. Aunt Lois was at our wedding, she was the last of the Mohican's. She died just last year of colon cancer.

Dad was a wonderful man. He changed the course of this family and brought me here to live with this wonderful family. I miss him often. And know he is with me often. A rainbow makes me think of him and lets me know he is around

Happy 81st Birthday Dad. I still miss you.

A banner day

My father has been gone for 39 years.
Eileen is 45.
And Monty and Melissa have a new son: Case (no middle name yet) Oppenheim.
Mom and son are well. A joyful bris to follow in 8 days......all planned out by induced labor to be on the best days for birth then celebration.
Two boys for the M&M Oppenheims.
A birthday to share for Eileen.
And a day I'll never forget as changing my life forever.

Work Heidi Work Heidi Work Work Work

A saying my youngest niece said about her Dad as he went off to his night job, having been at work all day. She looked out the window as he drove away and proclaimed: "Work Daddy work Daddy, work work work!". It seemed to have stuck in my mind, and the whole family I think.

I seem to feel that way lately. Although I had an unexpected 3 day weekend this past weekend and got so much done in my yard and office I still feel like all I do is work. But then I don't have much else to do! Don't get me wrong. I love my life, my husband, my family. But I can't seem to "get" into anything. Perhaps I am "in" to too many things!

I knit, cross stitch, crochet, do photography, love to scrapbook (though I think the day of the digital on line booking is here), love to garden, can put together a mean dinner, with dessert. I just feel like I am not getting anything done.

Funny, my 86 year old Mom told me the same thing the other day...and I told her that was her job at 86 to not do anything, yet that is what seems to be bothering me most, but I am not 86!

On Saturday my best friend Pat came over and we worked in the yard for 6 hours and got so much done. I am so happy. We pulled 2 huge new dawn Roses that had taken over the front garden bed and just were not easy to attach to the house. Roses seemed like such a good idea, but unless they are on a fence or a trellis, they are not. Tim and Pat planted an ever green by the front door, Pat weeded the life out of a bed by the steps. We planted yellow daffodils and red tulips. My Dad loved red tulips. I hope they don't make me cry in the spring.....
I love to plant bulbs, it is my little hope that life will go on and spring will come again! Don't get me wrong, I love love love the fall. But it is always followed by winter and the gloom of cold dark mornings to work and even colder and dark nights home.

Perhaps my work rut it is the loss of my favorite plastic surgeon in the whole world. My Tom Sanzaro dropped dead on Sept 10, 2009 at 58 young years old. He has left a huge hole in my heart, the OR, his practice and most important a huge hole his wife and children just cannot seem to get a grip on. None of us can. I keep expecting him to pop around the corner with his endearing, "Ho Ho Ho".

Perhaps it is that work is slow, I have been having to furlough folks for an hour here, an afternoon there, a day there. It is not easy and makes my heart heavy. But I cannot have folks sitting around doing nothing. The hospital is struggling, we were asked this morning to cut 70K from my little group of 7. That is 10K each. I do not know where that would come from except salary. And that makes me woozy just to think about.

So that is it in a nutshell. My thoughts for the day.